Wow.... what a weekend....
Mom step daughter, Ashley, had her 10th birthday this past Friday. We had her birthday party Saturday at her mother's house. My whole body just cringes and my jaw locks when i know I have to go over there. Don't get me wrong. They aren't bad people. They just have no filter. I love my Ashley though so I put on my big girl panties, adjusted my wig and off we went.
I should mention here that this was also my first public outing, besides work, since I shaved what was left of my hair off.
I was already feeling very self conscious about being there. But when we walked in it was immediately the wife against the ex wife. Or that's how it felt. They wanted pictures of Jon and the kids... but not me. I apparently don't exist. I kind of have to understand that though. I mean my husband is one hell of a catch. Who wouldn't be jealous! LOL No I do get the picture thing. I don't want pictures of her. So yeah, of course she doesn't want pictures of me with her kids. The thing that really got me was the breaking off into clicks. She and her family on one side of the room ignoring mine and my families (my mother, father and my daughter) existence. And of course the whispers. Then came the inevitable loud and obnoxious ex-wife's mothers' comment about my wig that brought the whole room to a stand still and focused all eyes on me.
I wanted to die, hide, cry and slap her all at the same time. But, being as it wasn't my house and I actually have manners and tact I commented politely and went on about my business. Jon said I should have just torn my wig off and stared her in the face and made some smart comment. That is what I SHOULD have done. But I didn't. He told me to ignore her and that she probably didn't mean it the way it came across so I've forgiven her for her lack of class.
Ashley's party was a slumber party, so after the cake and presents Jon and I left Emma there at the party and we went out for a little bit. As we were getting ready to go back home from our outing we noticed one of Jon's tires on his truck was low. My car is already limping along so we couldn't afford for something to be wrong with Jon's truck too! Oh the drama! We went and put air in the tire and went back home where I started to fall into a deep depression.
I thought maybe I'd feel better in the morning. Boy was I wrong! Jon went to go pick Emma up from Ashley's slumber party and found his tire completely flat. So instead of the relaxing day working on jewelry orders we ended up running to get Emma, then to breakfast, then to get a jack for Jon's truck. Have you ever priced a jack? That thing was ridiculously expensive! So we get back home, Jon takes his tire off and he leaves in my limping car to get his tire fixed. Emma and I work on Jewelry and nap. Well she napped and I worked on jewelry. Oh the life of a seven year old!
A few hours later Jon is back with his tire fixed and I've finished 36 of the 43 necklaces and keychains that I needed to finish this weekend. Pretty productive day if I do say so myself!
I'm still feeling very down at this point. I just can't get out of this funk. Jon's worried and keeps asking me if I'm ok and no I'm not ok. I was depressed. I was still mourning my hair and my femininity. My beauty. My womanhood.
Today I don't feel any better.
People keep telling me "oh it's only hair" or "it could be worse" and my favorite "it will grow back" but it's not that simple. All our lives, as women, we are praised or looked down on because of our beauty. People tell you from a young age. "Oh! your hair is so beautiful!" Or "You have the pretties hair!" or "You have the prettiest eyes!" Our hair, like our eyes, hands, breasts, are a part of us. It's part of what makes us who we are and when you take that away.... a part of me is gone. Yes, it could be worse. Yes, it is only my hair and not my eyes or my arms. Yes, it COULD grow back. But to me.... right now..... I DON'T know if it will all grow back. It may not ever grow back. I know it doesn't handicap me like losing a limb would but emotionally I feel like I've lost an arm. I know it could be worse. Lot's of people lose their hair due to treatments for crippling diseases like cancer and I'm not AT ALL comparing myself to them but I am hurting just like they do.
People keep saying "oh Delena, good attitude" Or "you are so strong" but I'm not strong and I don't have a good attitude. I'm hurting. I'm terrified and angry.
I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I just want to stay in bed and cry. But I can't. I've got a job and my business to attend to. I've got Emma to take care of. I've got Jon, who I love dearly even though he doesn't know how to help me. So I've put on my big girl panties, adjusted my wig and I'm off to work.
Wish me luck...
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