"Cheers to the freakin' weekend! I'll drink to that!"

Wow.... what a weekend....

Mom step daughter, Ashley, had her 10th birthday this past Friday.  We had her birthday party Saturday at her mother's house.  My whole body just cringes and my jaw locks when i know I have to go over there.  Don't get me wrong.  They aren't bad people.  They just have no filter.  I love my Ashley though so I put on my big girl panties, adjusted my wig and off we went. 

I should mention here that this was also my first public outing, besides work, since I shaved what was left of my hair off. 

I was already feeling very self conscious about being there.  But when we walked in it was immediately the wife against the ex wife.  Or that's how it felt.  They wanted pictures of Jon and the kids... but not me.  I apparently don't exist.  I kind of have to understand that though.  I mean my husband is one hell of a catch.  Who wouldn't be jealous!  LOL  No I do get the picture thing.  I don't want pictures of her.  So yeah, of course she doesn't want pictures of me with her kids.  The thing that really got me was the breaking off into clicks.  She and her family on one side of the room ignoring mine and my families (my mother, father and my daughter) existence.  And of course the whispers.  Then came the inevitable loud and obnoxious ex-wife's mothers' comment about my wig that brought the whole room to a stand still and focused all eyes on me.

I wanted to die, hide, cry and slap her all at the same time.  But, being as it wasn't my house and I actually have manners and tact I commented politely and went on about my business.  Jon said I should have just torn my wig off and stared her in the face and made some smart comment.  That is what I SHOULD have done.  But I didn't.  He told me to ignore her and that she probably didn't mean it the way it came across so I've forgiven her for her lack of class. 

Ashley's party was a slumber party, so after the cake and presents Jon and I left Emma there at the party and we went out for a little bit.   As we were getting ready to go back home from our outing we noticed one of Jon's tires on his truck was low.  My car is already limping along so we couldn't afford for something to be wrong with Jon's truck too!  Oh the drama!  We went and put air in the tire and went back home where I started to fall into a deep depression.

I thought maybe I'd feel better in the morning.  Boy was I wrong!  Jon went to go pick Emma up from Ashley's slumber party and found his tire completely flat.  So instead of the relaxing day working on jewelry orders we ended up running to get Emma, then to breakfast, then to get a jack for Jon's truck.  Have you ever priced a jack?  That thing was ridiculously expensive!  So we get back home, Jon takes his tire off and he leaves in my limping car to get his tire fixed.  Emma and I work on Jewelry and nap.  Well she napped and I worked on jewelry.  Oh the life of a seven year old!

A few hours later Jon is back with his tire fixed and I've finished 36 of the 43 necklaces and keychains that I needed to finish this weekend.  Pretty productive day if I do say so myself!

I'm still feeling very down at this point.  I just can't get out of this funk.  Jon's worried and keeps asking me if I'm ok and no I'm not ok.  I was depressed.  I was still mourning my hair and my femininity.  My beauty.  My womanhood. 

Today I don't feel any better. 

People keep telling me "oh it's only hair" or "it could be worse" and my favorite "it will grow back" but it's not that simple.  All our lives, as women, we are praised or looked down on because of our beauty.  People tell you from a young age.  "Oh! your hair is so beautiful!" Or "You have the pretties hair!" or "You have the prettiest eyes!"  Our hair, like our eyes, hands, breasts, are a part of us.  It's part of what makes us who we are and when you take that away.... a part of me is gone.  Yes, it could be worse.  Yes, it is only my hair and not my eyes or my arms.  Yes, it COULD grow back.  But to me.... right now..... I DON'T know if it will all grow back.  It may not ever grow back.  I know it doesn't handicap me like losing a limb would but emotionally I feel like I've lost an arm.  I know it could be worse.  Lot's of people lose their hair due to treatments for crippling diseases like cancer and I'm not AT ALL comparing myself to them but I am hurting just like they do. 

People keep saying "oh Delena, good attitude"  Or "you are so strong" but I'm not strong and I don't have a good attitude.  I'm hurting.  I'm terrified and angry. 

I don't want to leave the house.  I don't want to see or talk to anyone.  I just want to stay in bed and cry.  But I can't.  I've got a job and my business to attend to.  I've got Emma to take care of.  I've got Jon, who I love dearly even though he doesn't know how to help me.  So I've put on my big girl panties, adjusted my wig and I'm off to work. 

Wish me luck...

It's contest time!

So it's not all about me!  I will also be posting some exclusive sales and sneak peaks for Delena Ciastko Designs from time to time!  But I need more readers!  So here is the contest!  Follow my blog and in the comments section of THIS post put the name of your favorite necklace from my website http://www.delenaciastkodesigns.com/ !  That will give you 1 entry!  Want more entries?  Of course you do!  refer people to my FB page!  Come back here and post that you posted on your page referring people and you will get a second entry.  Refer people to my blog!  Come back here and post that you posted on your page referring people to this blog and you will get another entry.But wait there's more!  Any person you refer to this blog and they START FOLLOWING it will earn you more entries!  I will put all of the entries on a list and randomly choose a name.  That person will win the necklace they choose and post as their favorite!!!! 

To recap
1) follow this blog & post which necklace from http://www.delenaciastkodesigns.com/ is your favorite. (1 entry)
2) refer people to my facebook page www.facebook.com/delenaciastkodesigns and come back here and post that you did it (1 entry)
3) refer people to my blog and come back here and post that you did it (1 entry)
4) Every person you refer AND THEY TELL ME WHO SENT THEM will earn you more entries!

Let the contest begin!  This will run from October 7th until October 13th at midnight CST.

Bald and Beautiful!

Yesterday was D-Day.  I was so frusterated and depressed.  i was tired of watching my beautiful locks of hair fall to the ground for no reason.  After a very tearful morning I took off work and headed to meet my wonderful mother.  We went to The Gallery Hair Studio ( https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Gallery-Hair-Studio/178145498888847#!/pages/The-Gallery-Hair-Studio/327300486332 ) and met with Suzette Beene.  She was amazing!  I told her what I needed and she turned me away from the mirror so I didn't have to watch.  She asked me if I was ready and then, as my mother held my hand, Suzette swiftly and gently shaved what was left of my hair.  She was very compassionate and treated me with respect and dignity.  And of course I cried. 

That first swipe was the worst!  All I could think was "Oh God!  I have no hair!"  But my mother held my hand through the whole thing and gave me an extra squeeze when I started to cry.  I truly love my mother.  I love both of my parents.  My Dad even threatened to shave his head too!  LOL!!!

After I was shaved, my stylist Suzette gave me the name of some supplement I can take to try to regrow the hair and then to our astonishment REFUSED TO TAKE ANY MONEY!  She didn't charge me at all!  I will forever be greatful to her and to The Gallery Hair Studio for being so amazing on a day when I really needed it.  You have a customer for life.... when my hair grows back that is!  =0)

Once we left the hair salon we quickly ventured just a few doors down to Butterfly Boutique ( http://www.butterflyboutiquela.com/ ).  When we walked in we were quickly greeted by a bright and smiling Lisa Clark.  I swear, God put an angel on earth when he made her.  She made my whole experience... FUN!!!  Who would have ever thought that having to buy a wig would be fun!  But it was!  We tried on wig after wig after wig until we found the perfect one for me!  Lisa  was so sweet and really made me feel right at home in her and Cherie Byers shop!    I would definetely suggest to anyone going through any kind of hair loss to go to Butterfly Boutique.  They are AMAZING! 

I left with my new hair feeling like a brand new woman.  I didn't feel like a victim of his horrible disease anymore!  I felt more like myself than I have in weeks! 

So now my hair is gone and I start the road to hoping for my hair to come back.  There is no guarantee that it will, but there's also no guarantee that it won't!  So I am hopeful! 

Today is the day....

So after lots of tears I've decided that I'll be better off just shaving it all off.  I've put a call in to a friend of mine who owns a beauty salon here in town.  ( Yvette at FireFlies Salon ) and I'm just going to have her do it.

I don't have alot to say today other than ...  Dear Lord, please give me strength. 

To Shave or Not To Shave....

I'm so tired of waiting for the next clump of hair to fall out.  Everytime I turn around, literally, there is hair either on my desk, on my shirt or on the floor.  When i wash my hair clumps just fall out from the water hitting my head.  I'm terrified to look at my pillow and sheets every morning because I know I'll find a clump of hair there.  The mirror is NOT my friend right now. 

I really just want to shave it all off and be done with it but I'm worried about my husband and kids.  This is the first time they are going through this with me and none of us are really sure how the other feels right now.  Emma is worried that since I have diabetes and now alopecia that it's "going to turn into cancer" and I'm going to die.  Jon says he didn't marry me for my hair but I'm sure it's still going to be quite a shock.  I mean I had LOTS of long thick beautiful hair when we got married... and now.... I'm not going to have any.  How is he really going to feel when he looks at me?  I know he loves me for me and I know he's not going anywhere but it's still not going to be easy.  On one hand he says just shave it all off and get a wig.... then in the next sentence he'll say but if you shave it all off then people will know you are bald... I think they pretty much are going to know either way that SOMETHING isn't right.  Right now I've been wearing hats and scarfs all day everyday and already I can tell it's going to be a problem. 

The other side of this is my day job.  While I HATE the thought of having to wear a wig, I appreciate the fact that I do have a job in an industry where my coming to work bald might not go over so well with some of the clients.  It's none of their business really but the job does pay the mortgage! 

So.... I'm going to a wig boutique tomorrow afternoon to "look" at my options.  Basically my choices are 1) shave it all off and get a wig or 2) don't shave it all off and wait for the rest of it to fall out on it's own, look like I'm deranged and STILL get a wig!  LOL  Not much of a choice really.  I'm so frusterated with the whole situation right now....

Changes

So I started this blog with the intention of furthering my jewelry business http://www.delenaciastkodesigns.com/ (shameless plug).  I've decided instead, to post about my journey with alopecia areata. 

What is Alopecia Areata (AA)? 

Alopeica Areata is a genetic auto-immune disorder.  It is NOT contagious.  Alopecia is a general medical term to describe baldness that could have any number of causes. It is often triggered by a mental or physical stressor, which confuses an over-active immune system and causes hair follicles to see your hair as foreign and release the hair from its follicle.

Sounds great huh?  This is my second battle with AA.  About 10 years ago, right after 9/11, I lost the hair on my head and legs.  My brother and his wife (girlfriend at the time) sat me down, handed me a bottle of something and shaved my head.  It was very traumatic and I didn't handle it well.  There were no support groups, and still aren't, where I live and I really didn't understand what was going on. 

This time around I've done my research.  However, there are still no support groups in my area so I blog! 

Today is about 4 weeks since I started losing my hair.

This is me two months ago. 

It started out slowly at first.  I had some psoriasis on my scalp and the hair started falling out from that spot first.  Now it has progessively gotten worse and.....

This is me today.....

Stark contrast... I know.  But my hair doesn't make me who I am.  I have to look on the bright side of things. 

1. Less money on shampoo & conditioner,  oooh and hair dye!
2. It takes alot less time to get ready in the mornings!
3. I have more time to focus on other things that need to be done!

I will be okay.  I'm not sick.  I'm not contageous.  I'm just me.  And I'm beautiful with, or without hair.