A Luau

So this weekend is my little girl's 10th birthday and I am a wreck. She's my one and only baby girl. My Little Bit. My mini me. My Muffin. How on earth can she be 10?!! It was just yesterday when I called my mom and said "hey, so... I think I may be in labor.." and now we are talking about how many boys she can invite to her Luau.

BOYS!?!??! Um no honey. I thought my husband was going to come up of the couch he's been holding down for days when she said boys. Ha! Hubby is a truck driver and Monday he had his first and God willing his last, 18 wheeler wreck. He's in pain. A lot of pain. So it was almost comical to see him try and whip around to look at her. She lowered her head and batted her big brown doe eyes at him and of course he melted. My husband is Little Bit's step father but he couldn't love her anymore if she was his own flesh and blood. So, he gave in and there will be two boys at the Luau, which in her mind means lots of boys.

 So we are Luauing on a budget. Yes, that is a word. Isn't it? No? Ok well now it is. I just decided. We will be making the cake, pig poke cookies and fruit kabobs. THIS should be interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm talented. I can make jewelry like nobody's business. If you need something crafty, I'm your gal. But cooking... not.. my ... strong suit. I'll update with pictures as we go so you can see what I'm talking about. It's sure to be hilarious.

I can see it now.... (insert flash forward bubble above my head and dream like music)... flour splashed all over the counter, our white pomeranian Phoebe covered in pink, blue and purple icing.... pineapples, strawberries and grapes haphazardly thrown on top of a tray.


This is what the fruit Kabobs are SUPPOSED to look like.

                                               http://www.pinterest.com/pin/200762095864007180/


 AND the cake I'm going to attempt

                                            http://www.pinterest.com/pin/200762095863899682/



 I repeat... it should be interesting.

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Pin it to Win it winner!!!

Ok so I just cut up strips with everyone's names on it... there were 132 pins so that 132 pieces of paper. I put them all in a little bowl... I put my hand in... I swished it around a few times .... I pulled my hand out.... and picked out ...... two slips stuck together LOL!!! It wouldn't have been fair to put them both back in and try again so I'm going to give it to both ladies!!!! the winners are..... Ashley Hester & Laura O'Connor Congratulations ladies!

Shots in the head, eyebrows & a giveaway

So.... It's been awhile since I blogged last... interesting how all of my posts start this way...

I've been to the dermatologist three times since I posted last. My eyebrows ended up falling out completely sometime around Halloween. So when I went in to the derm. got some meds and then went back in December. The raw spots on my head were not healed and of course there was no new growth so I had to undergo a round of steroid shots.

You may be thinking to yourself, oh that doesn't sound so bad. Well you try having a needle stuck INTO YOUR SCALP 20 TIMES and see how you like it! It was HORRIBLE! Worst pain I've felt in a long time. I left the dermatologists office that day crying and shaking.

Two weeks later I had a little big of hair growth on my legs! Two weeks after that my scalp started to look darker.... I thought Oh my gosh! it's coming back! No such luck. Tax season kicked in.

The growth I had fell back out. A week later, a new slick spot appeared on my head. This is getting ridiculous! Come or go. Leave or stay. Stop teasing me! This is maddening!

So January has come and gone. Last week my eyebrows started coming back. They are still here so I am cautiously optimistic. I went back to the derm. this morning. Same as last time. Shots, shots and more shots! But he is optimistic that we will get the psoriasis to go away and then my immune system will stop attacking my hair follicles. If that happens I MAY see some re-growth.

I know I should stay positive. I mean he was happy with my progress i should be too right? I've just been through so much with this and I'm devestated all over again every time it starts to come in and falls back out.

I've learned to deal with the stares. They don't much bother me any more. I can handle the snide comments and extra breathing room most people give me. In fact one of my new favorite things to do is walk into a crowded area and take my hat off. LOL I've never gotten in and out of a store so fast! AND I've only had to shave my legs once since September. so that's always good.

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE I'm having a giveaway here on my blog and on facebook www.facebook.com/delenaciastkodesigns .

Some lucky person is going to win 12 free pieces of customized jewelry from me! See the previous blog post to see how to enter!

Giveaway Time!!!

Do you want free jewelry? Of course you do! Enter the giveaway below to be entered to win 1 (one) free piece of customized jewelry from Delena Ciastko Designs each month for an entire year! That's 12 (twelve) free pieces of custom jewelry for you!!!! Giveaway begins 02/17/2012 and runs through 03/15/2012!

Two weeks later.....

So, it's been about 2 weeks since I posted last.  Right now things are just so up in the air.  My Alopecia is still running it's course.  There is no new growth and now I'm losing my eyebrows.   I am, however, in a much better place about it all.  I've been interacting with a couple of Alopecia support groups online and I am handling the situation much better than I was two weeks ago.

This is just who I am now.  I'm a bald, beautiful, intelligent woman.  I have an amazing and supportive husband.  Compassionate and wonderful friends and a wonderfully supportive and caring family.  I'm getting used to the beautiful woman in the mirror and loving her more each day.  My life is getting back to normal and I've fielded the questions about my beautiful bald head so many times now that I don't cringe anymore.  I am more confident in WHO I AM as a person instead of WHAT I LOOK LIKE.  I'm embracing the freedom I have been blessed with.

My kids are still getting used to it.  And that's O.K.  Joey, my step son and oldest child, finally got up the courage to ask me what was going on with my hair.  Stupidly I thought that someone would have told him what was going on.  He is a special needs child and doesn't deal well with change.  But after we sat down and talked about it he felt better but is still adjusting.  Ashley, my step daughter and middle child, hasn't really said much but she's a preteen so that I expected. 

Emma, my baby girl, has had a hard time with it.  She, unlike the other two, lives with Jon and I and witnessed the process and the depression.  I tried so hard to shield her from it all but she's a smart little thing.  She took in more than I thought she did.  But that's Emma.  Right on top of things from the very beginning.  Sunday she came back from my mothers' house with this picture of me and her.  It's so cute!  I guess she's adjusting just fine after all!

(note that I have no hair in the picture LOL)

"Cheers to the freakin' weekend! I'll drink to that!"

Wow.... what a weekend....

Mom step daughter, Ashley, had her 10th birthday this past Friday.  We had her birthday party Saturday at her mother's house.  My whole body just cringes and my jaw locks when i know I have to go over there.  Don't get me wrong.  They aren't bad people.  They just have no filter.  I love my Ashley though so I put on my big girl panties, adjusted my wig and off we went. 

I should mention here that this was also my first public outing, besides work, since I shaved what was left of my hair off. 

I was already feeling very self conscious about being there.  But when we walked in it was immediately the wife against the ex wife.  Or that's how it felt.  They wanted pictures of Jon and the kids... but not me.  I apparently don't exist.  I kind of have to understand that though.  I mean my husband is one hell of a catch.  Who wouldn't be jealous!  LOL  No I do get the picture thing.  I don't want pictures of her.  So yeah, of course she doesn't want pictures of me with her kids.  The thing that really got me was the breaking off into clicks.  She and her family on one side of the room ignoring mine and my families (my mother, father and my daughter) existence.  And of course the whispers.  Then came the inevitable loud and obnoxious ex-wife's mothers' comment about my wig that brought the whole room to a stand still and focused all eyes on me.

I wanted to die, hide, cry and slap her all at the same time.  But, being as it wasn't my house and I actually have manners and tact I commented politely and went on about my business.  Jon said I should have just torn my wig off and stared her in the face and made some smart comment.  That is what I SHOULD have done.  But I didn't.  He told me to ignore her and that she probably didn't mean it the way it came across so I've forgiven her for her lack of class. 

Ashley's party was a slumber party, so after the cake and presents Jon and I left Emma there at the party and we went out for a little bit.   As we were getting ready to go back home from our outing we noticed one of Jon's tires on his truck was low.  My car is already limping along so we couldn't afford for something to be wrong with Jon's truck too!  Oh the drama!  We went and put air in the tire and went back home where I started to fall into a deep depression.

I thought maybe I'd feel better in the morning.  Boy was I wrong!  Jon went to go pick Emma up from Ashley's slumber party and found his tire completely flat.  So instead of the relaxing day working on jewelry orders we ended up running to get Emma, then to breakfast, then to get a jack for Jon's truck.  Have you ever priced a jack?  That thing was ridiculously expensive!  So we get back home, Jon takes his tire off and he leaves in my limping car to get his tire fixed.  Emma and I work on Jewelry and nap.  Well she napped and I worked on jewelry.  Oh the life of a seven year old!

A few hours later Jon is back with his tire fixed and I've finished 36 of the 43 necklaces and keychains that I needed to finish this weekend.  Pretty productive day if I do say so myself!

I'm still feeling very down at this point.  I just can't get out of this funk.  Jon's worried and keeps asking me if I'm ok and no I'm not ok.  I was depressed.  I was still mourning my hair and my femininity.  My beauty.  My womanhood. 

Today I don't feel any better. 

People keep telling me "oh it's only hair" or "it could be worse" and my favorite "it will grow back" but it's not that simple.  All our lives, as women, we are praised or looked down on because of our beauty.  People tell you from a young age.  "Oh! your hair is so beautiful!" Or "You have the pretties hair!" or "You have the prettiest eyes!"  Our hair, like our eyes, hands, breasts, are a part of us.  It's part of what makes us who we are and when you take that away.... a part of me is gone.  Yes, it could be worse.  Yes, it is only my hair and not my eyes or my arms.  Yes, it COULD grow back.  But to me.... right now..... I DON'T know if it will all grow back.  It may not ever grow back.  I know it doesn't handicap me like losing a limb would but emotionally I feel like I've lost an arm.  I know it could be worse.  Lot's of people lose their hair due to treatments for crippling diseases like cancer and I'm not AT ALL comparing myself to them but I am hurting just like they do. 

People keep saying "oh Delena, good attitude"  Or "you are so strong" but I'm not strong and I don't have a good attitude.  I'm hurting.  I'm terrified and angry. 

I don't want to leave the house.  I don't want to see or talk to anyone.  I just want to stay in bed and cry.  But I can't.  I've got a job and my business to attend to.  I've got Emma to take care of.  I've got Jon, who I love dearly even though he doesn't know how to help me.  So I've put on my big girl panties, adjusted my wig and I'm off to work. 

Wish me luck...